I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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