I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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