You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Girls should come with a carfax report
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
