Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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