remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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