Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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