i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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