I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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