this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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