I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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