I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
