I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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