the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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