I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
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you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.