Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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