I looked at my own cervix.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
