So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
