your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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