in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
