You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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