I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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