can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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