In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
