drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
