You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
