mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
