Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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