Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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