Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
