I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
