Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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