You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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