Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
