the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
