I met the friendliest cop last night
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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