eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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