I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
