it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We smell like vodka and hangover
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