Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
