I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
