I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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