she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
