I think I died a long time ago.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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