Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
