She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
