Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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