Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
