so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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