Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
