I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I fill condoms, not promises.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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