she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
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And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love