He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the day after is always just damage control
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The power of my boobs compel you
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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