just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
