I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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