I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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